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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
- I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
- Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
- Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
- By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
- My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante
- I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
- Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
- My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
- Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan
- I am opposed to millionaires ... But it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
- Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
- I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
- I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
- We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
- Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal
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